If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
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Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
My dress code is business-casualty.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.