The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
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Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
#CoronaOutbreak
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”