me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
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Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Birds & Planes.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I created you as mosquito food.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
😆this is so true
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.