Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
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Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
The news
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya