The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
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Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
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ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Don’t make me out nice you.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]