Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
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Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Beauty and the Beast
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
What if all the cashiers are married?
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]