I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade