Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
You Might Also Like
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist