King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
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Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Need this in my life lol
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.