*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
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Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
This is me 🤣🤣
called in thicc to work this morning
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.