In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
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My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.