4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
You Might Also Like
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
23. the denim jacket