Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
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I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I have a place for everything. The floor.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.