[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
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Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Generation gap…
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.