How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
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Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Bootstraps
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.