I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
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I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back