Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
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Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine