My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
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me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
I can fix him.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.