So that’s what we looked like?
You Might Also Like
No Google it does not
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Follow me for more life hacks.
did it work
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan