[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
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[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.