I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
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You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
me refusing to leave twitter
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting