Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
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If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.