In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
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What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1