Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
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welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!