I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
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Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
what the
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂