me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
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If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Who did it better?
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
If you need a laugh.. 😅
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad