You Might Also Like
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.