Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
You Might Also Like
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
“i am a sweet baby”
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.