“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
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So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E