ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
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“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Well, this certainly took a turn
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
He wanted to make sure😂
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart