*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
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Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.