Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
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When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?