Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
You Might Also Like
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
How do you milk an almond?
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.