I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
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[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Personal question. #JustSaying
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
You saw nothing. I am ham.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?