Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
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Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.