I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
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Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
My birthstone is kidney
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
You deplete me
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Bike is short for Bichael.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.