WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
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Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Hmmmmm
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door