This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
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What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.