*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
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SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow