I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
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No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I have no passwords left in me
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.