The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
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Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
my one true gender
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out