I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
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They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
When your parents check you’re ok.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?