I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
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My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.