Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
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[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*