me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
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Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
“No way.” -Jose
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*