Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
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Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
War & Peace
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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