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I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
My typo game is string.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Wait a second…
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.