People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
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First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Hey I worked for it too!
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.