My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
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“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I will never stop laughing at this
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*