If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
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A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Every time.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
No way!
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
cry laughing at this shit
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one